I never meditated before in my life until day one of the meditation retreat. Sure, I've done some yoga and I've occasionally sat down for 10 minutes to "meditate".. but to actually practice meditation? Uh, never. This is why the decision I've made to go to a 10 day no-speaking, locked away, 10 hours of meditation a day (it just hit me.. that's 100 hours of meditation!) now seems insane.
It would take too long to explain the entire Vipassana meditation technique and the Vipassana movement, specially because 10 days do not qualify me as an expert, but I shall do my best to be brief and explaining it the best way I can. Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India's most ancient techniques of meditation. It was rediscovered by Gotama Buddha more than 2500 years ago and was taught by him as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an art of living. Right now, professor S. N. Goenka is in charge of the teachings and he appoints assistant professors to all courses around the world.
During the 10 day retreat, they introduce you to Anapanasati meditation (which is the pre-requisite for Vipassana) and later on Metta meditation, as well as Vipassana meditation which takes most of the time of the course (and most of your strength I must say), as well as "planting the seed of dharma" in your mind. To receive all this, they ask you to spend the first 9 days of the course in "Noble silence" and respect the sila; if you're a new student, you have to respect the first 5 silas (do not kill (meaning, you're in a strict vegetarian diet), do not steal, do not have sexual misconduct, do not tell lies and do not take intoxicants) and the remaining 3 as well if you're an old student (meaning, if you completed one 10 day course already).
But on to my experience.. Honestly I find it hard to describe everything in one word, as it was a very intense experience in every sense of the word. However, "relaxing" is not a word I'd ever use to describe it..
When I told people my plans of going, I kept joking that I was going to be locked away in the mountains with the Buddhists. This experience should really teach me to keep my mouth shut and research a bit more instead of just jumping in the pool without knowing the temperature of the water.. My friend Shannon picked me up and drove me to the location in question.. and while she was driving up this steep curvy road for a while, it hit me that my joke might be my reality. And yes, I ended up in a small Buddhist school in the middle of a mountain in the middle of nowhere. The whole place where were located at was a block long, and by that I am being completely generous; it was on a 45 degrees slope, so the whole placed looked even tinier than it was. In fact, I'd dare to say it was only half a block long.
Here's a picture of the location that I took on the last day when I got my phone back. On the left, you have the meditation hall, the B block (where I slept), the dining hall and then the A block.. and that was it. Where the roof disappears, that's where it ends. And I am standing on the other end. You get the picture.
Anyways, I registered and I had nothing to do. I still didn't have to give up my connection to civilization, so I decided to entertain myself with the world wide web. I take out my blackberry and it said SOS. Hold on... My blackberry is asking for help? I've been on the place for less than 15 minutes and my blackberry is asking for help? Needless to say, I didn't have a signal. I looked at the place I was at; it was a 20 min car ride from the base of the mountain to where we were (a curvy, narrow road) and the place was literally in the effing middle of the mountain. Here's two pictures of my view for 12 days (because the first day you get in is day 0 and there is a day 11 *headdesk*)
So as you can see, all you saw were mountains and more mountains. This means, even if you wanted to run away, you couldn't. In wide open, fresh mountain air, I started getting claustrophobia.
Day 0 went by smoothly, as there was not much to do and everything was new and exciting. When we went to bed, it hit me; I didn't factor the "I'm in Taiwan" part of the whole thing. I thought about the meditation, I thought about the technique, but I never prepared myself for living with 70 other Taiwanese women for 12 days, in the middle of nowhere. Why do I say this? Well, here's a picture of my room..
Top and bottom beds.. 42 females. Enough said. During sleeping time every day, there was a chorus of burps, farts, hungry stomachs and sleep talking (a woman started saying "MMM this apple is so yummy one night.. that's when you know hunger was all around). In fact, the burps were pretty much all the time, even during meditation. I love Taiwan and I want to think I've adjusted to it.. but sometimes, things like this just completely throw me off.
Next to me, slept a young girl who I nicknamed (well, we couldn't talk! So I made up names for the most outstanding characters in the retreat.. and when you have an hour break and no books, no nothing to do but stare at the roof, your mind flies) anyways.. I nicknamed her "Barbarian Girl" because she looked exactly like the female character in "Waiting for the barbarians". In fact, she looked exactly like the drawing on the cover of the book, and she even tied her hair in a weird pony tail that made her look even more barbarian-like. She helped me understand the technology behind my duvet, so Barbarian Girl was nice.
People volunteering there (all work in the Vipassana movement is based on service and volunteering, there is no payment for anyone and the course is completely free) were incredibly nice. The 4 management women (Perfect-English, Orange-Coat, Fun-Looking and Ghost) were incredibly helpful. Ghost seemed to embrace the noble silence to an extent I never thought possible; you couldn't even hear her walk. They were all really helpful and sweet, although I must say Ghost annoyed me a couple of times, just because she kept waking me up when I fell asleep during room-meditation-hours (and I do not like being woken up), but other than that, I was impressed by how amazing the management and organization was.
Here's my daily experience, in all honesty:
Day 1: Honestly, the first hours were really exciting. I mean, everything was new and I felt the rush of adventure. But when you have an hour to kill with absolutely nothing to do and you're in a place that's tiny, things get old pretty fast. The excitement wore off pretty fast, and although I was doing decently during meditation (considering I've never done it before), but I started tasting the severe pain that comes with sitting for hours. Honestly? If you want to picture what meditation retreat is like, picture a boot camp. Sure, you go there because you wanted to go, but you're expected to work and to work hard. If you're tired, you're still going to be waken up at 4 AM to meditate, no excuse unless the teacher itself excuses you for any reason. But the management made no exceptions.
It's funny. I sleep with 2 alarms on because I have an irrational fear that I won't listen to my alarm. In the retreat, you were woken (imagine a Buddhist sound) with Bell Man every day, who carried a small hand-sized bell that went diiiiiing, the ing dragging for like 5 seconds. Literally, it was a subtle, relaxing sound. But here's the thing; you're never going to love the sound that wakes you up. It's the universal law of sleeping. Therefore, you should never use a song or tune you like to wake you up; you'll end up hating with. Needless to say, I developed a love-hate relationship with that little bell.
Also, there was a little incident during my morning shower. I was walking outside for the meditation session (4:30 AM.. incredible.. I don't think my eyes have ever seen the world this early..) I was approached by Ghost, who kindly reminded me that I wasn't allowed to wear perfume, because it might distract people. I responded (with a proud I-did-my-research tone to impress her with my preparation) that I didn't bring any perfume because it wasn't allowed. She told me I smelled quite strong and I told her the only thing I used was shampoo and deodorant.. wait.. deodorant is not allowed?!?? What??!?? I cannot not use deodorant! It goes against my foreigner principles!
In Vipassana, you are trying to break away from all those "attachments" you have to things and people, because in the end, that attachment is the reason for pain and misery. So I face it, I have attachment issues to my Rexona Cotton. But I am willing to face the misery that comes with it. I am not giving away my deodorant.
Day 2: I can summarize day 2 in one simple word. AGONY. You might think I'm exaggerating, but I've never in my life experienced the kind of back pain I've experienced in day 2. If someone did as much as touch me by the end of day 2, I would have screamed. On day 1, I felt completely out of place because everyone there seemed to be amazing at meditating and I couldn't even stay still; by day 2 reality hit everyone.. some people couldn't even walk out of so much pain. This was also the day I was moved from my comfy meditating place next to Sick Woman. She literally was at the worst stage of the horrible flu. I felt so bad because I really couldn't stand the sound of her coughing and I complained in my head when they moved me close to her (I don't want to get sick!).. but in reality, when I thought about it, I felt incredibly sorry for her; I was perfectly healthy, and those days (well, the entire retreat to be honest) felt like a walk in hell. If I felt like I was walking through hell, imagine what she must have been feeling. Crawling in hell. With an elephant standing on your back. Seriously, kudos for making it Sick Woman!
I shall also point out my intelligence here; for some reason, I convinced myself it was going to be hot and I packed mostly just light winter clothes and summer clothes.. Um why? Seriously. I know that Chinese New Year is the coldest time of the year here, and I was up in the mountains (I didn't know I was going to be up there though).. what went through my head, I have no idea.. but rain, wind, mountains, super cold weather? Bad bad combination. I am seriously convinced my sleeping bag saved me from hypothermia.
That night, I couldn't sleep because I was in so much pain, and I honestly just wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. I made a point of discussing it with the management the other day.
Day 3: Something amazing happened. In fact, that's what made me decide not to leave on day 3. I woke up (even after sleeping for only 2 hours) without any pain at all. I went to my 4 AM meditation sitting expecting the excruciating pain to arise.. but it never came back. In fact, although the days that came after I did experience discomfort here and there, the back pain never came back. Understand, this is unbelievable in my world. I never had a straight back, good posture or could walk straight.. and there I was, sitting perfectly straight and with nothing but a mild discomfort. Well, I must add something. Mild discomfort, thanks to womanly cramps became an horrible period pain that had me twitching and squirming (but noble silently) during my meditation sittings. My face surely showed it, because I was approached by the management several times in order to offer me a chair (that is a big offering in the meditation world!) to ease my pain. Later my teacher told me I was brave, because meditation means not only my back but my internal organs where getting adjusted as well. *headdesk* Pain, pain, pain. I was still so overwhelmed by everything and I honestly just wanted to leave (I know, "it's just day 3", but by then I honestly felt I was there for such a long long time that I just wanted to go home, despite all the people I knew I would disappoint or prove right by not making it.. sometimes it is a good thing to have a little pride)
In fact, here I want to make a comment. I am guilty of saying "Oh, it's just 10 days" when people gave me the "You're insane" look. I am guilty of pronouncing those words without knowing what I was getting into.. days float on the real world. You need to kill time? You have books, you have Youtube, you have a phone. You want to kill time in a meditation retreat? You can stare at the roof, or count sheep in your mind. Time just simply stops, and considering you're up at 4 AM, you basically live every hour of the day. It's just never ending.
So I am never saying the "It is just 10 days" phrase about Vipassana Meditation Retreat again.. "IT IS 10 DAYS" *dramatic music* dun dun duuuuunnnnnn....
Day 3 I *might* have cried a little during my daily interview with the teacher, including the "I want to go hoooooooomeeeeeee... I miss my famillyyyyyyyyyy" lines. Lame, I know. But I was completely overwhelmed by everything, and I honestly just wanted to go back home and quit. Why I didn't is still a mystery to me.
Day 4: Day 4 was the hardest day for me. Day 4 is also the day you learn Vipassana. The teacher expressed her concerns on how I would handle Vipassana since I was already in a very sensitive state, and Vipassana is meant to take impurities out of you. I brushed her off, feeling confident. Two hours of Vipassana meditation later, it started.. I am going to be blunt and honest with all of you; for over 4 hours, I cried like a little bitch. Non-stop, trying-to-control-sobbing-to-respect-the-noble-silence, headache-inducing, red puffy eyes.. you have the picture. I cry when I am sad, but I seem to be allergic to cry in public. This time, I just couldn't control myself. I cried and cried and cried.
That night, I told myself enough is enough.
Day 5: Day 5 was the transition day, that I went from wanting to run away to being alright (but still wanting to go home with every part of my body, mind and soul). I understood a lot of things about the technique, and the teacher and assistant congratulated me for "doing a good job". I asked them why they meant, and they explained that during meditation, if you experience any kind of pain, emotional or physical (or in my case, both!) it means that you're getting rid of impurities; the bigger the main, the bigger the impurity. My teacher literally told me the reason why I reacted the way I did was because I was "digging too much out" and that I should slow down, to make my retreat more "enjoyable" (fun word, shall never be applied during the 10 days of the meditation course. Just cannot go in that sentence.)
I was still not sleeping more than 2 hours per day, and I was already sick of the food by now. It's not that it was vegan food (we didn't eat any milk or dairy), it was that it was Chinese food. Ugh. No. One day though, they served something that when I saw it, it literally made me take a step back. It looked like old-wrinkly thin, frail skin. Just the sight of it made me gag, but I figured it wasn't skin since well, we were on a vegan diet. I tried it and it was totally delicious; this just keeps on proving the theory that in Taiwan the uglier your food is, the tastier it is. Still, the fact that I was halfway done kept me going.
Day 6: On day 0, I really fully committed to what they asked and gave away my book, pens (you're not allowed to write as well!), wallet, mobiles and pretty much anything that could distract me from only meditating. Funny enough, I realized later on that some women sneaked in some items that weren't allowed. Barbarian Girl would make a little tent with her sheets and draw. Some women had medicine that wasn't allowed, and I am preeeeeeeettyyy sure one of the women sneaked in a cell phone. Every single time I saw these items or suspicious behavior, I got all police-like and yelled (in my head, noble silence!) "CONTRABAND".
On day 6, during my interview, I casually mentioned I was having a rough time with the food. The teacher asked me if I liked chocolate (duh) and asked if I felt better if I had some. I said it wasn't necessary, but she still had people get some for me. It was 3 truffles, but it felt like cocaine. Seriously, I the guilt complex I had while walking with chocolate on my pocket was unbelievable (even when it's not contraband when the one that sets the rules itself is giving it to you!). Chocolate is never bad, but after 6 days of tofu, red beans, more tofu and rice.. truffles were greatly appreciated.
Day 7, Day 8 and Day 8: Both days were uneventful, but quiet. I did alright in my meditations, but I must admit my brain just shut down and I entered the "Survive Mode" Days passed so slowly. Hours passed so slowly, and I just wanted to go home. I was tired, sleeping-deprived, and meditation turned out to be an extremely hard and painful process, or at least Vipassana is.
Fun story though, I forgot which day it was, but I had a moment where I almost killed..
We were watching Master Goenka's lesson and a mosquito just kept bugging me. I tried to brush it away, but mosquitoes are persistent creatures. Damn they are persistent! My first reaction when I it landed on the table for a couple of seconds was to just squash it. I almost did it, until I realize... that's KILLING!
I totally pictured the situation though.
Me: Die stupid mosquito. *Squash*
People: *gasp*
Me: ...what?
People: You... killed.
Me: ...a mosquito!
People: You killed a living form! Altering nature!
Me: ....
Then I totally imagined me being expelled from the retreat for killing a mosquito. I might have imagined a movie being made out of it. A musical. Ah, the depth and weird places my mind goes to...
Lesson: You have no idea how persistent mosquitoes are when you have no power over them. Don't ever let mosquitoes know you're not allowed to kill them.
Day 10: I didn't know it, but noble silence ended that day. Why? After spending 10 days (counting day 0) in silence, in the mountains.. well, the teacher said we needed to talk and hear talking to get used to it again.
I must admit, everyone told me noble silence would be so hard, and I thought it was going to be extremely though. Actually, I didn't mind it at all. In fact, I enjoyed it. I am not anti-social, but sometimes I just don't feel like having the cliche conversations just to talk to someone for the sake of talking. So I appreciated noble silence.
But the course turned into a party. The Chinese women just wouldn't stop talking. Constant talking, all day long. I was so amazed, but I could tell they *really* needed to talk. I didn't mind it though, and I did get to talk to a bunch of my fellow "classmates" and they were super sweet and nice.
For everyone, day 10 was filled with the joy that we made it. I couldn't believe it myself, and the teacher expressed how proud she was of me as she could see I really had a rough time. I told her I had never meditated before and she just opened her eyes wide.. I think at that time, she might have thought that I was a little insane, but she was happy I stayed.
Day 11: After the last meditation and breakfast, we all cleaned the place and then.. home sweet home.
Would I recommend it? Yes. But I would be upfront about how difficult it is. If I could make it, everyone can, but it is important that one goes with realistic ideas of the retreat; it is tough work day after day, and it is not relaxing at all. You're not really encouraged to leave, for a reason I know understand; only after the end of the course you have a full idea of everything and you can wrap yourself around concepts that you were confused about during the working days.
I felt horrible during the entire 10 days. Horrible. In pain, both emotional and physical and I really wanted to go home. I was overwhelmed and well, only someone that has been through it would understand it completely. It is an extremely hard process, and an extremely hard retreat.. but I honestly feel lighter. Now it's up to me to make it a daily habit, but after seeing how amazing I feel after 10 days (granted, after HELL!), I am going to make sure I do make it an habit.
Here's what I got out of the retreat:
-A good, painless back and an improved posture. This is a miracle for me.
-For some unknown reason, I stopped biting my nails. I've bitten them ever since I've had them, and they have never been even normal human length, my parents are witnesses of this. I don't bite them out of anxiety, but out of fear (Yes, I am terrified of nails. Wohoo for weird phobias). For some reason on day 6 I looked at my nails and realized I haven't bitten them for days, and now they are super long, and I haven't bitten them. This is yet another miracle.
-The retreat teach you the art of living according to the teachings of Buddha. I agreed and saw eye to eye with most of it, but some of it just confused me and troubled me a little. But even when I haven't yet wrapped my head around it, I got an incredibly useful meditation technique that I will, most likely, use for the rest of my life. It's not a relaxing technique, but it's a technique in which you really get rid of pain and feel much lighter when it's over. Might not be fun, but I want the good results and not the relaxing factor.
-Both literally and figuratively, I experienced the meaning of 'the darkest hour is just before the dawn' Meditating at 4 AM and pretty much meditating until the sun came out was an incredible experience. The night is literally the darkest and the coldest during those hours, and then everything just shines. Equally, my experience in the retreat was just that; when I felt I was losing my sanity and that I just couldn't take one more second, things got better. I always loved that quote, but living it is something I shall never forget.
-No pain, no gain. Literally. Things that are worth it will usually cause you a lot of pain in the process, but my God, they are definitely worth enduring those painful moments; the result is bliss.
-I thought that Buddhism would fit like Cinderella's shoe when it came to my personality, but I found out during the retreat, while exploring and being taught Buddhist philosophy and principles, that if I really do get into it like I did with Catholicism, I would find the same doubts, and question just as much. No religion will ever leave you without questions, and making questions only deepens the faith. Blind faith is never a good thing.
All in all, an extra thing I got from this retreat that I never expected getting was realizing that I am in peace with the faith I've chosen for myself. I am never going to agree with the Catholic Church in most matters (at this point, I am thinking I am never going to agree with them in *anything*, I seem to be allergic to it), but my mind has finally understood the difference between the institution and the personal faith. I do apply Buddhist principles in my daily life, but it is nice to know that the path I've chosen for myself if the path that better suits me. It brought me an incredible sense of harmony I never experienced before, and I am very grateful for it.
-While driving myself a little crazy during the retreat, I came to think that maybe enlightenment and madness are only millimeters away from each other. Maybe you need to push through the madness to get enlightened, or maybe at one point you turn one way or the other.. but they don't seem that far away. How does one chose the enlighten path instead of the mad path? I am not enlightened enough (aka, I am not enlightened at all) to answer that question, but stay tuned. I am not that far away from insanity as it is.
It was one of the most interesting experiences of my life, for the lack of a better word. I am so glad I decided to go, and I am so happy I made it. I truly recommend it. It's an experience you will never forget.
For anyone interested, here's the Vipassana website. http://www.dhamma.org/en/art.shtml
Be happy!
